I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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