Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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