i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
