How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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