Moan for me like Helen Keller
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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