what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
