Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
