i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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