Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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