mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
should my penis look like a turkey
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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