You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
