Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
