I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
