Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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