He is an equal opportunity slut.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
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Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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