I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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