I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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