I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
