When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
