god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
