I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
