saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
