At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
