I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
