If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
