watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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