Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
