remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
