just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
