I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
love makes seman taste better
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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