Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
time to smoke my breakfast
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
