dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
