You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
