why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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