Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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