this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
