just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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