I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
