Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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