I will die if light touches me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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