Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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