Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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