you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
