I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
