1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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