he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
