there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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