I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
