she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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