I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
