i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
