i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
