Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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