I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
