Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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