the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
